It is not easy to find much positive in my life this past year. My dad died in January. He was the glue that held our family together.

In March, my husband had his 8th knee surgery and spent two months in a rehabilitation facility three hours from our house. I worked every week and drove three hours each way to visit him on the weekends.

At about this same time, I started questioning my faith and made some choices I am not proud of. I learned a lot about myself and my husband. Thankfully, we fell together instead of apart. He has been a great support and has shown nothing but unconditional love for me. The one positive event that took place this year, I suppose, is when my husband pulled me off of the path I was headed down, one that would have brought me sadness and misery.

In May, I quit taking meds that were making me feel numb. I wanted to feel again. Oh boy! Did I ever start feeling! Depressed, anxious, and angry… definitely not healthy. We started weekly couples counseling and added individual counseling in late summer/early fall.

In July, my coworker made sure my boss knew I was struggling to keep up with work. (She threw me under the bus.) I was moved to a location in the back area of desks where admin assistants and others sit to do their work. It was a nice big partitioned desk area with a lot of room to spread out and organize my work station. It was quiet with few distractions. But, it was away from the department I work for, which brought its own challenges.

In August, my husband had a 9th knee surgery. He spent three more weeks at the rehabilitation facility. He came home after that and started outpatient PT twice a week. Adding those to the counseling appointments means he is going to appointments almost daily.

September and October are a blur. By November, it was a wonder I was functioning at all, let alone functioning normally. Two new meds did not work out. They made things worse, in fact. I just had to hang in there until the 18th of November when we would head out for vacation to San Diego for 10 days of R&R.

Two weeks before we were to leave, my quiet place at work became a nightmare when a new girl was moved into the desk area next to mine. The built-in cabinet wall partition did not go to the ceiling. The new girl loved her strong-smelling flowery Gain detergent, which wafted over the wall into my area, taunting me and my allergies daily. Allergy medication did not help…. Talking to her about the problem did not help…. Talking to Administration did not help…. I had to move back to the department where I worked at a very small desk, which barely fits two small monitors, a keyboard, and a phone. At least I could breathe, and in a couple of days, I would be leaving for vacation anyway.

It wasn’t to be, however. I got a kidney infection. I have never had a kidney infection. It was not fun! We had to cancel our trip, but at least I had two weeks off work so I could stay home to heal.

I spent quality time with my mom and family leading up to Thanksgiving. We enjoyed a big Thanksgiving meal together with all of our family. I made the meal, so my husband and I did not hang around long at my sister’s house after the meal was over since he was not feeling well and I was tired out from all the food prep the day before and baking the day of. It was the first Thanksgiving without my dad. It was noticeably different without his presence.

I have been an emotional wreck. Anxiety and anger became my new daily companions during the week. Depression accompanied us on the weekends. I definitely felt like it would be ok if it were my time to die. I even pleaded with Heavenly Father to take me home. I had no suicidal plans. I just wanted it to be my time.

It has been 10 days since I started a med that has evened out my pendulum-sized mood swings. I finally feel like myself again. It is not perfect, but way, way, way better. I feel happy and I love life again! I even prayed and thanked God for not taking me home when I asked. I told Him I would stay as long as he would allow me to stay here. I feel like I have more to do, more life to live, and experience, in a good way!

I have learned that if you are struggling with something, just have faith, hang in there long enough, and it will get better! I am grateful for modern medicine, a loving husband and family, and a job that pays the bills and keeps our heads above water most of the time.