Nature – ChatterLei

Who would you like to talk to soon?

I wish I could talk with my dad. He was so great to talk with. He could talk about anything! I particularly enjoyed our conversations about God, creation, where we came from, and dinosaurs. He was a bit of a deep thinker. I like deep thinkers who are curious about life. My husband is a deep thinker. He reminds me of my dad. Which brings me to last evening….

There is a beautiful little community park near my house, with a curvy, tree-lined, three-quarter mile walking path where I love to walk, often with my husband waiting for me on one of the benches, sometimes alone.

My thoughts are always drawn to the beauty of the various trees scattered along the path and throughout the park. Somehow, I am able to drown out the traffic noise from a nearby busy street. I barely notice the noise of people playing soccer or baseball or other games in the field.

The perfectly pink flowers on this tree started me thinking about creation. Questions came to mind about how the beauty of this world was created. I thought about how the earth had to be just the way it is to sustain life… water, food, oxygen, gravity, sun for heat, etc.

Then I thought about each of the planets in our solar system, how perfectly aligned they are. Well, if the “Big Bang” happened to create the earth and the other planets in our solar system, why is earth the only planet that can sustain life? And how did everything just happen to align so perfectly?

It does not make sense!! God is the only thing that makes sense to me about why we are all here and how our earth and other planets were created. He used science to create the earth, but he definitely was in charge of guiding the creation. It is the only explanation that makes sense to me.

I can’t wait for the conversations I will be able to have with my dad when I get to the other side!

This morning I woke up feeling depressed. It is a feeling like no other. I won’t go into details about how I felt, buy I am blessed to have a husband who cares enough to sit right there and listen to my unreasonable rantings.

My father died in January, but I feel I am just now truly mourning his death… and my mom’s sadness. The loss of a loved one who is such a “larger than life” type of personality really leaves a huge hole of emptiness in the lives of those left behind.

The medication I was taking for anxiety and depression made me feel “numb” to the loss of my dad. The benefit was that I could read the life sketch at my dad’s funeral without tears. People complemented me on how “strong” I was to do that without crying. I didn’t feel strong. I felt numb. I have made some choices since then, that I wonder if I would have made had I not been on that medication. Maybe. But, I can’t help but wonder. I made decisions that go against my values and who I am at my core.

So… three months ago I stopped taking the medication so I could feel “all the feels.” They are strong feelings. Mostly negative. There is an underlying sadness in my life most of the time, which, at times manifests as anger/irritation. I am definitely mourning my father’s loss. Among all of the things I miss, a couple of things really stand out. I miss his common-sense approach to life and his down-to-earth advice.

I also feel deep regret for the choices I made recently that are not representative of who I am. Feelings of regret are the worst. I keep asking myself WHY? Rebelliousness? Midlife crisis? Repressed mourning? Not sure, but regret adds to feelings of deep remorse, unworthiness, anger, frustration, depression, etc. “All the feels.”

So, anyway, this morning I woke up feeling deeply depressed. So, so, very sad. My husband encouraged me to go for a walk with him. After some prompting, I agreed and we went for a walk around the river’s edge. It was a beautiful warm summer morning. The walking and talking with my husband was a much needed distraction and very helpful in changing my feelings. I enjoy the outdoors and the beauty along the river. I have learned it is good to get moving when feeling down. The fresh air was fabulous! I took some pictures along the way. Enjoy!