This morning I woke up feeling depressed. It is a feeling like no other. I won’t go into details about how I felt, buy I am blessed to have a husband who cares enough to sit right there and listen to my unreasonable rantings.

My father died in January, but I feel I am just now truly mourning his death… and my mom’s sadness. The loss of a loved one who is such a “larger than life” type of personality really leaves a huge hole of emptiness in the lives of those left behind.

The medication I was taking for anxiety and depression made me feel “numb” to the loss of my dad. The benefit was that I could read the life sketch at my dad’s funeral without tears. People complemented me on how “strong” I was to do that without crying. I didn’t feel strong. I felt numb. I have made some choices since then, that I wonder if I would have made had I not been on that medication. Maybe. But, I can’t help but wonder. I made decisions that go against my values and who I am at my core.

So… three months ago I stopped taking the medication so I could feel “all the feels.” They are strong feelings. Mostly negative. There is an underlying sadness in my life most of the time, which, at times manifests as anger/irritation. I am definitely mourning my father’s loss. Among all of the things I miss, a couple of things really stand out. I miss his common-sense approach to life and his down-to-earth advice.

I also feel deep regret for the choices I made recently that are not representative of who I am. Feelings of regret are the worst. I keep asking myself WHY? Rebelliousness? Midlife crisis? Repressed mourning? Not sure, but regret adds to feelings of deep remorse, unworthiness, anger, frustration, depression, etc. “All the feels.”

So, anyway, this morning I woke up feeling deeply depressed. So, so, very sad. My husband encouraged me to go for a walk with him. After some prompting, I agreed and we went for a walk around the river’s edge. It was a beautiful warm summer morning. The walking and talking with my husband was a much needed distraction and very helpful in changing my feelings. I enjoy the outdoors and the beauty along the river. I have learned it is good to get moving when feeling down. The fresh air was fabulous! I took some pictures along the way. Enjoy!